An Open Letter to That Guy With THAT Car

Dear Sir,

I applaud your efforts and enthusiasm for the modding process. What you have achieved with your car is unique, and eye-catching. You may however, with reflection have learned a few lessons in the process. Just in case, let me point out a few you might have missed.

1) If you going to mod your car for the ‘power demon’ car look, you may not want to start with an ’04 Corsa. I’m sure it’s a lovely car, and I quite agree that when you had your driving lessons, you probably discovered that it was surprisingly nippy. Nevertheless, with a few more years driving experience under your belt, you’ll discover that there are many other cars that are quicker still. Also many that look better. And many, many, many that are better suited to large flared wheel arches. On that topic…

2) Unless you are a trained panel-beater, best not to try DIY when adding flared wheel arches to your car. It’s trickier than you might think. Trying to fit flared wheel arches to a car inexpertly can result in something that, while it looks good just around the wheel where it’s untouched, is more like porridge where you’ve fixed it to the car. Taking it out in public before it’s sanded, filled and painted is probably a mistake.

3) On a related note, if you beat a panel, you remove much of its paint. You should repaint it quite soon. Otherwise, the metal will become covered in a light layer of bright rust. This will clash quite badly with the paint on the rest of the car, and the overall effect will be more scrapheap than racer. On the plus side, that colour with the bumpy flared arches gives a great impression of Archie-from-Balamory’s sideburns. Not sure if that’s the look you were going for.

4) Yes, four. As in exhausts. Really? Four large, shiny, chrome exhausts on a small car gives it less credibility than you might think. Just sayin’.

5) However, above all these, there’s one mistake that I think is really, REALLY going to come back to haunt you. I think you already know what it is. But again, just in case you missed it… It’s true, when adding flared wheel arches, that they need to be attached to the back of the car as well as the side, and you had a great go at trying to blend them seamlessly with the rear bumper. Your panel-beating skills weren’t quite up to a lump-free finish, but you obviously tried hard. But the odds were against you from the start. Basically (sorry to break it to you this way) – you can’t join metal wheel arches to a plastic bumper with welding. Still, you’ll know next time.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh. Let me take this opportunity to wish you all the best in your future endeavours, and I really, really look forward to seeing them. Despite my hints above, your efforts really lightened my day. If only I’d had a camera…

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